By Harris Leiner
I had no idea what a freak I had become until I went home for Thanksgiving. It was then that I realized that the old Harris Leiner who existed prior to enrollment at T. C. Williams School of Law was gone. He had been replaced with a cynical, bitter, and overly sarcastic creature with a major propensity toward over-analyzation. What can I say, I've gotten weird.
It all started when my dreams began changing. I used to have fantastic dreams about being the super hero who kills all the bad guys with his ray gun and ends up with the blond from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Now all I dream about is being trapped in an constantly shrinking box while a professor stands over me shouting about proximate cause and jurisdiction. Where as I used to wake up in the middle of the night wondering where Buffy went, I now wake up in a cold sweat screaming for someone to please come and tell me whether or not there was privity between contracting parties. There's no way this could be considered normal.
My fears have also been affected by this cute little metamorphosis. I used to have normal fears. I used to be scared of heights, spiders, and as long as I'm being honest, that part in Superman II where the woman was pulled into the machine and turned into a robot freaked me out pretty badly. Don't get me wrong, I still get queasy when I'm over thirty feet off the ground, spiders still make me scream like a fourth grade girl with pigtails, and I still sleep with the lights on so the robot woman won't be able to get me. But now there are two things I fear even more. The space in my heart reserved for the deepest and darkest fears has been taken over by law school related items. The first fear I refer to is that chill that runs up my spine every time a professor looks down at that seating chart. It doesn't matter whether I'm prepared or not -- as soon as that prof begins playing eeny meeny miney moe with my sanity, I fear like I've never feared before.
The second fear is linked to the very contraption which I am currently using. That's right, our fuzzy little pal the lap top computer. Before I came hear I had never owned a computer. As far as I knew, a computer was a four thousand dollar paper weight. When they gave me this thing on the first day of class it was like giving a puzzle box to a retarded chimp. I looked at it, sniffed it, and eventually got frustrated and started banging it with a pointy rock.
I first experienced the heart attack inducing fear brought on by my computer about three weeks ago. I was sitting in class, living in fear of the seating chart, when suddenly my screen went blank. Then, two seconds later, a little message popped up. I had done nothing wrong. I violated no rule. The thing just appeared there. Not only did this message come out of nowhere, but it came offering options. I could either restart my computer by pressing one button, or just go ahead like nothing had happened by pressing the other. The computer was trying to explain what had happened, but with my knowledge of computers that message might as well have been written in Mandarin Chinese.
So my dreams have changed, my fears have been mutated, and in case you haven't been able to tell, my sense of humor has been thrown completely out of whack. I'm actually sitting here writing jokes that involve the phrases proximate cause and contracting parties. So now you may ask yourself, why did he write this? Why would he put down on paper such intimate details of his life? Some have accused me of shamelessly writing this so that I could add an activity to my resume. Those people are absolutely right. What can I say, I missed the deadline to join Phi Alpha Delta.
So in conclusion, there is no conclusion. I've been studying
non-stop for finals, and my brain is mush. I don't want to write
a conclusion, and frankly, you can't make me. Have a nice day.
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