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There's
been a lot of noise lately about the intrusiveness of the Census
long form. Some people are convinced that questions regarding
race, income, mental health history, and indoor plumbing are
nothing more than a government conspiracy to control our lives!
(Insert evil laugh)
The
truth is much more benign. Under 13 U.S.C. § 9, the Census
is forbidden from sharing the information collected on an individual
basis with anyone, even the President. This is backed up by a
$5000 fine and a five-year prison sentence per violation. The
reason the Census collects this information is to provide as
accurate a snapshot of the American population as possible. This
information is invaluable for localities and states seeking funds
from federal programs. Having worked for the state in attempting
to get federal funds, I know that the Census information is dispositive.
If you can show that the Census says something, as far as the
federal government is concerned, it is so.
There
are all kinds of reasons that some conservatives seem to be saying
that people should not fill in certain questions on the Census
or to check "Other" on the race category and write
down "human" (Isn't that cute?). I think if the long
form was more entertaining, people might not mind as much. So,
here are some suggestions for improving the Census.
1. How many people live in this house,
apartment, trailer, or cardboard box as of April Fool's Day?
• Please include in this number any foster kids, roommates,
significant others who spend most of their nights at your house
despite the fact he/she has a place of their own, and any homeless
people you have taken in.
• Please DO NOT include: kids you've sent away to school,
relatives in prison, who if they were not criminals would be
living with you, and any roommate who's spending most of his/her
time at a significant other's place.
2. What is your sex? (circle one) Male,
Female, Pre-op Transsexual
3. Are you Spanish/Hispanic/Latino?
• NO, is that bad?
• YES, I'm Spanish.
• YES, I'm Cuban, and I'll kill before I let Elian Gonzalez
go back to Castro!
• YES, I'm Mexican or Chicano.
• YES, but I have a special group you didn't list! Down
with oppression!
4. Please list your race.
• White as the driven snow!
• Black, African-American
• American Indian or Alaskan Native (list your tribe)
• Native Hawaiian
• Guamanian or Chamorro. Please tell us what you mean by
Chamorro.
• Samoan
• Other Pacific Islander (tell us your particular island
since we know each island MUST be of a different race)
• Asian Indian
• Chinese, Filipino, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese. (choose
one)
• Other Asian (please tell us your group so we can know
who we have offended by not including them)
• Come on, it's the 21st century (almost). I'm a Mutt. (please
fill in your particular mix of races)
• Still feeling left out? Create your own race here.
5. What is your marital status?
• Never Married
• Divorced
• Separated
• Happily married
• Married but getting some on the side
• Gay with a partner whom I'd marry if I was allowed (but
we all know that would undermine the holy institution that society
values so highly)
• Widowed
6. Are you SURE you're not Spanish/Hispanic/Latino?
7. What is your level of education?
• School? Who needs it? I was kicked out in kindergarten.
• I kin read, rite, and do rithmetic.
• I made it out of high school (barely).
• Some college, dropped out.
• Some college, expelled.
• College degree
• Masters degree
• Professional degree
• I intend to NEVER leave school!
8. Females only: Who's your baby daddy?
9. Please list all of your disabilities.
If you don't, Congress will cut all money for programs supporting
your condition.
10. Do you have indoor plumbing?
11. Is your home infested with any critters
that shouldn't be there?
12. List your pets, including names.
13. When was your home built?
14. What was the builder's name? Did
he/she use high quality materials?
15. Do you resent answering these questions? |
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